Category Archives: satire

Who’s Defending Your Marriage?

The Onion, the USA’s second-best news organization (first place goes to Comedy Central, of course), led today’s yesterday’s news with this headline:

Check out the hair-raising details of this tragic turn of events (if you dare):

WASHINGTON—Reports continue to pour in from around the nation today of helpless Americans being forcibly taken from their marital unions after President Obama dropped the Defense of Marriage Act earlier this week, leaving the institution completely vulnerable to roving bands of homosexuals. “It was just awful—they smashed through our living room window, one of them said ‘I’ve had my eye on you, Roger,’ and then they dragged my husband off kicking and screaming,” said Cleveland-area homemaker Rita Ellington, one of the latest victims whose defenseless marriage was overrun by the hordes of battle-ready gays that had been clambering at the gates of matrimony since the DOMA went into effect in 1996. “Oh dear God, why did they remove the protection provided by this vital piece of legislation? My children! What will I tell my children?” A video communique was sent to the media late yesterday from what appears to be the as-yet unidentified leader of the gay marauders, who, adorned in terrifying warpaint, announced “Richard Dickson of Ames, Iowa. We’re coming for you next. Put on something nice.”

Man, oh man, oh man! President Obama has gone and done it now. It’s bad enough the goofy fellow wants to give every single American access to health care. It’s even worse that his meddling wife is encouraging American children to be fit and lean. Now he’s letting gays tear up god-ordained heterosexual marriages. He’s not lifting a finger to help those poor, beleaguered straight couples who absolutely cannot maintain their marriages without the full force of the American military and all three branches of the federal government standing steadfastly behind them, armed to the teeth, and fully locked and loaded.

It’s a grim time for heterosexuals in America, especially married ones. Things are so grim that any heterosexuals still reading this post should stop immediately and go take care of business. Do it now. You absolutely cannot wait because, for all we know, the next bedroom the gays invade may be yours. If that happens, another bastion of heterosexuality will be destroyed forever and the collapse of civilization as we know it will be imminent.

And it will all be the fault of those damned gays.

— the chaplain


Posted by on February 26, 2011 in humor, satire, sex


Sunday Funnies #3: Edward Current’s Guide for Christian Boys

Before you say anything, Exterminator, I know that Sunday is not the only day on which humor is allowed. Shoot, we’re atheists, we don’t have any rules! It happened that I just came across this video by Edward Current and knew it would be perfect for those who gather at the chapel for prayers, devotions and other forms of inspiration and stimulation. Obligatory disclaimer: the preceding statement does not indicate that a presumption of prurient interests applies to those who attend the chapel. I respect and accept all of you just as you are. Honestly. For real. You can take it to the bank.

You can’t blame a chaplain for taking a tip from Phillychief and using sex as a hook to reel thousands of people into the chapel. On a personal note, I must shake my head and sigh: where was Edward when the Deacon and I needed him to take up our burden and teach our sons about sex?

Hat Tip to Hemant, the Friendly Atheist (as opposed to nasties like the Deacon and me) for leading me beside still waters to Edward Current’s video archive.

— the chaplain


Posted by on January 13, 2008 in humor, satire, sex


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