God Hates Deer

07 Nov

As I’ve driven through Pennsylvania, Maryland and Virginia over the past couple of weeks, I’ve noticed an unusually high number of dead deer sprawled across the dotted lines getting picked over by vultures, or rotting alongside highways. I even saw one get hit by a white Honda and tossed well into the woods near the George Washington Parkway.

This deer-based roadkill epidemic makes me wonder whether God hates deer. That can’t be right, though. After all,

All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful;
The Lord God made them all.

If that’s the case, then God can’t really hate deer. So, maybe he’s just punishing them. And we all know there’s only one reason God ever visits gruesome devastation on an unsuspecting population.

Deer must be gay.

Gay Deer

According to Norwegian scientist Petter Bøckman, “Scientists have observed homosexual behavior in 1,500 animal species….” Furthermore, “Homosexuality is most widespread among animals with a complex herd life.” Deer may fit into that category. Bøckman goes on to say that some species, such as “killer whales, bottlenose dolphins, West Indian manatees, and giraffes have all-male orgies.” Wow! Apparently, sex — hetero-, homo-, and bi- — is very hot and wild in the animal kingdom. Perhaps God’s particularly got his dander up with deer because “among mule deer, bisexuality is more common than homosexuality.” It’s obvious that deer are getting their share of unnatural booty, right along with all those other horny critters. And God is plenty pissed off about it.

I’m not saying that every dead deer I’ve seen along the roads has been a gay or bi- deer. After all, it’s widely suspected that God has phenomenally bad aim. I don’t agree with that idea, though. I think the real explanation for God’s apparent bad aim is that punishing actual offenders has never mattered to him; the blood of innocents has always appeased him just as well as the blood of the guilty. Besides, even if the dead deer have not engaged in illicit sex themselves, they’ve tolerated such behavior within their midst and are, therefore, equally deserving targets of his wrath.

That may be the case.

Or, maybe God just hates deer.

— the chaplain


Posted by on November 7, 2010 in atheism, rationalism, religion, sex


18 responses to “God Hates Deer

  1. Moe

    November 8, 2010 at 9:29 am

    I checked with the Family Research Council for you. Indeed, deer are gay.

    The guy in the Honda was doing god’s work.

  2. Moe

    November 8, 2010 at 9:30 am

    I see you’ve had the painters in here. Looks great!

  3. the chaplain

    November 8, 2010 at 9:58 am


    Thanks for confirming things with the FRC for me. Their stats are always reliable.
    :lol: :lol: :lol:

  4. PhillyChief

    November 8, 2010 at 11:17 am

    The reason why God doesn’t just attack the sinners is to force the faithful to stop the sinners from sinning. See, if only the gay deer were getting killed, then the straight ones would just shake their heads and point to them as cautionary examples. “See Bambi, if you go gay, you get dead.” God, being oh so clever, kills randomly so the straight deer realize that in order to be safe, they must stop* the gay deer from being gay (or at least acting gay).

    * – “Stop” is open to interpretation, which of course is guided by the Holy Spirit, so any interpretation which feels right in your heart must be the right one.

  5. Postman

    November 8, 2010 at 2:04 pm

    That’s an excellently-thought-out hypothesis. I’m sure that if you or I were Gawd, that’s exactly how we’d handle things. However, Chappy was right… His aim is for shit. can’t hit the broad side of a Pride Parade.

  6. the chaplain

    November 8, 2010 at 6:03 pm


    The reason why God doesn’t just attack the sinners is to force the faithful to stop the sinners from sinning.

    That makes a lot of sense. It doesn’t leave much room for free will, though…


    I’m sure that if you or I were Gawd, that’s exactly how we’d handle things.

    Well, then – I’m really glad that neither you nor Philly are Gawd and that only Gawd is Gawd…. On second thought, let’s just scrap the Gawd idea altogether.

  7. Frank DN

    November 8, 2010 at 6:08 pm

    Gay deer? You mean all these years its really been Santa and his Gay Deer? Rudolf’s nose was red from an STD? All that ho ho ho-ing was really….does Focus on the Family know about this?

  8. the chaplain

    November 8, 2010 at 6:21 pm

    Even if FoF does know about it, they’ll gladly kick Rudolph and his playmates out of the Christmas season. Rudolph, Frosty, Grinch, Tiny Tim, and all those other heathen Christmas icons take attention away from Baby Jesus. And that makes him cry.

  9. PhillyChief

    November 8, 2010 at 6:29 pm

    Commanding the straight deer to act would be a violation of free will, so God merely suggests action by killing indiscriminately as long as there’s buck on buck action. It’s not like he’s holding a gun to their heads, just the random car now and again.

    I wonder if reindeer games are anything like the competitions on RuPaul’s Drag race. All them bitches throwing shade at Rudolph, not letting him play their runway games. Now THERE’S an idea for a remake, but who would replace Burl Ives?

  10. the chaplain

    November 8, 2010 at 6:37 pm


    …as long as there’s buck on buck action.

    So, doe on doe action is okay?

    Duh. Of course it is. Guys love doe on doe action.

  11. PhillyChief

    November 9, 2010 at 8:53 am

    The bible only says a man shall not lie with another man. ;)

  12. Postman

    November 9, 2010 at 9:27 am

    Admittedly, I, (and probably Philly), would be a terrible Gawd, (by every definition of “terrible”). I’d make rules against the things I don’t like, (buck on buck, but not doe on doe). I’d make everyone write and sing songs about how cool I am, (even the ones who’ve never met me). I’d send out my minions to stomp everyone who is different, (unless they had tanks; then I’d be all, “Judges 1:19, bitches!”)…
    Oh, wait. I guess I would be a pretty good Gawd after all. At least as good as the current office-holder.

  13. Nightcap

    November 9, 2010 at 9:07 pm

    What’s an orgy among horny gay deer called?

    Passing the buck.

  14. Ahab

    November 13, 2010 at 7:39 pm

    Obviously those deer were neglected by their mothers, and they never had good buck role models. At least that’s what they say at the ex-gay-deer nature reserve.

  15. Brian M

    November 15, 2010 at 3:38 pm

    but but but…deer being splattered painfully on the hoods of cars are merely the way our Loving God teaches us. It’s just like athletes’ training.

    thimk i’m kidding? LOL: ‘An athlete suffers a great deal in his training because he is willing to endure the pain in order to shape his body into what he wants. Just like iron must be beaten to make a sword and any good pottery must be fired to make it durable, God uses pain and suffering in order to shape us as He sees fit (and like Paul suggests, the potter has the right to make whatever he wants with his clay).’

  16. Ric

    December 1, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    Philly said: The bible only says a man shall not lie with another man.

    But Republicans get together and lie all the time…

    And I really really didn’t need an image of gay giraffes rattling around in my head.

  17. the chaplain

    December 1, 2010 at 6:34 pm

    I think I’ll let Ric’s answer stand without further comment.

    I don’t think you’d be any worse as a god than the current office-holder, but that’s a pretty weak argument in favor of having any sort of god at all.

    Did you steal that joke from Jay Leno?

    Brian M
    Using pain and suffering to shape people might be excusable if we all ended up being roughly the same shape. But, some people definitely end up with better shapes than others.

    I thought you were tough enough to handle giraffic images.


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