As I’ve driven through Pennsylvania, Maryland and Virginia over the past couple of weeks, I’ve noticed an unusually high number of dead deer sprawled across the dotted lines getting picked over by vultures, or rotting alongside highways. I even saw one get hit by a white Honda and tossed well into the woods near the George Washington Parkway.
This deer-based roadkill epidemic makes me wonder whether God hates deer. That can’t be right, though. After all,
All things bright and beautiful,
All creatures great and small,
All things wise and wonderful;
The Lord God made them all.
If that’s the case, then God can’t really hate deer. So, maybe he’s just punishing them. And we all know there’s only one reason God ever visits gruesome devastation on an unsuspecting population.
Deer must be gay.
According to Norwegian scientist Petter Bøckman, “Scientists have observed homosexual behavior in 1,500 animal species….” Furthermore, “Homosexuality is most widespread among animals with a complex herd life.” Deer may fit into that category. Bøckman goes on to say that some species, such as “killer whales, bottlenose dolphins, West Indian manatees, and giraffes have all-male orgies.” Wow! Apparently, sex — hetero-, homo-, and bi- — is very hot and wild in the animal kingdom. Perhaps God’s particularly got his dander up with deer because “among mule deer, bisexuality is more common than homosexuality.” It’s obvious that deer are getting their share of unnatural booty, right along with all those other horny critters. And God is plenty pissed off about it.
I’m not saying that every dead deer I’ve seen along the roads has been a gay or bi- deer. After all, it’s widely suspected that God has phenomenally bad aim. I don’t agree with that idea, though. I think the real explanation for God’s apparent bad aim is that punishing actual offenders has never mattered to him; the blood of innocents has always appeased him just as well as the blood of the guilty. Besides, even if the dead deer have not engaged in illicit sex themselves, they’ve tolerated such behavior within their midst and are, therefore, equally deserving targets of his wrath.
That may be the case.
Or, maybe God just hates deer.
— the chaplain