What is in the Water Down There?

20 Jun

I think some folks in the Louisiana state legislature have been drinking Gulf water. How else can I explain these two recent events?

First, as Sarah Palin so helpfully tweeted, Louisiana’s state legislature designated today as a day of prayer for divine intervention in the Gulf of Mexico.

“Thus far efforts made by mortals to try to solve the crisis have been to no avail,” state Sen. Robert Adley said in a statement released after last week’s unanimous vote for the day of prayer. “It is clearly time for a miracle for us.”

I know that BP hasn’t handled the crisis very well, but really… I assure you that the Imaginary Friend in the Sky will not do any better. I can only hope that some of the people whose prayers go unanswered will think about why that happened and draw the right conclusion. I also hope they do their thinking in the very near future, and I’ll even give them some help. I suggest that they start by memorizing this list:

  • God is not punishing Louisiana, the Gulf states, the Deep South, or the USA for neglecting him, turning away from him or otherwise offending him.
  • God is not punishing gays for being gay.
  • God is not punishing atheists for being atheists.
  • God is not refusing to respond because an insufficient number of people prayed for his intervention.
  • God is not refusing to respond because of sin in the church or because of sin in the lives of individual believers.

God is not refusing to respond at all, nor will he be responding in the future. Get those ideas out of your heads right now and replace them with this one: The reason God isn’t responding is because he/she/it is not there. What this means is that, like it or not, there isn’t going to be a miracle in the Gulf. The only way the Gulf will be cleaned up is by the continuing efforts of humankind: God is not going to step in and save us from ourselves.

Now that I’ve cleared that up, I’ll move to the second item on my agenda. The Louisiana state legislature will allow people to carry guns in church. Yes, you read that correctly, and no, I didn’t make it up. It may give “being slain in the spirit” a whole new meaning.

“Supporters of the bill said it can be a deterrent against criminal activity in church….”

If people are that scared of their priests and pastors, why are they still going to church?

— the chaplain


Posted by on June 20, 2010 in atheism, politics, religion, society


24 responses to “What is in the Water Down There?

  1. PhillyChief

    June 20, 2010 at 10:25 pm

    Wait, so the same god who can’t be relied on to prevent criminal activity in his own houses is expected to save the Gulf from spewing oil? There’s a disconnect, no?

  2. Larry Wallberg

    June 20, 2010 at 10:32 pm

    Maybe all Catholic boys should be encouraged to carry guns to church.

    The nice thing for the Christians about the prayer day is if the Gulf ever gets cleared up, they can claim credit. If the Gulf doesn’t ever get cleared up, well … the Lord works in mysterious ways. So it’s a win-win for the church coffers.

    Now, what would be a real miracle is if that Big Butter Jesus you talked about in your last post were to get spontaneously reassembled next to the exploded oil rig. That’s what I prayed for. Hey, it could happen, right?

  3. the chaplain

    June 20, 2010 at 10:41 pm

    Disconnect, inconsistency, incoherence, mystery… there’s no end to the idiocy of the Christian religion.

    I support gun control, but I’d make a Special Exception for Catholic kids. In fact, I might even mandate that they carry guns.

  4. who

    June 21, 2010 at 12:12 am

    If we’re trying to keep religion out of government, part of that is to make sure that we make no exemptions based on religion. A Church can be seen as a club on private property, so there really shouldn’t be any state law against guns inside.

    In any case, who here has ever been searched before entering a church? Those of us who have had to go for various reasons know that it’s rare in most community churches. There is nothing stopping a guy from bringing a gun into any religious building. In any case, Churches are private property. The only thing that such laws (if they exist) do is give more of a reason to throw some people in jail.

    • PhillyChief

      June 21, 2010 at 12:16 am

      Private property that doesn’t get charged property tax.

  5. Karen

    June 21, 2010 at 1:36 am

    Perhaps, if a congregation is packing heat, it’d make the killer of an abortion provider less likely to attack in church.

    • the chaplain

      June 21, 2010 at 8:51 am

      Perhaps the killer of an abortion provider should refrain from committing murder in any venue.

    • PhillyChief

      June 21, 2010 at 8:57 am

      Or perhaps choose a safer method like gas or a bomb.

      • the chaplain

        June 21, 2010 at 9:04 am

        Karen’s comment raises a question for me:

        Are Christians offended by the fact that a professing Christian murdered an abortion provider, or are they offended by the fact that a professing Christian murdered an abortion provider in a church?

  6. hippieprof

    June 21, 2010 at 9:17 am

    Hey, maybe god is punishing the deep south for being such evil bigots…..

    It is funny that whenever the “god is punishing us” bit comes up, the punishee always seems to be able to pinpoint their supposed sin.

  7. the chaplain

    June 21, 2010 at 9:20 am


    It is funny that whenever the “god is punishing us” bit comes up, the punishee always seems to be able to pinpoint their supposed sin.

    What’s even funnier is that the sinners are usually gays and atheists, and hardly ever the actual punishees. For a perfect being, bible-god has pretty bad aim.

    • desertscope

      June 21, 2010 at 11:39 pm

      Some people say a certain activity leads to blindness. For the last 6,000 years, the guy has been spending an inordinate amount of time obsessively watching sinful buttsexers. He must have been doing something with his hands. So it makes sense he may be getting a bit myopic.

  8. Lurker111

    June 21, 2010 at 9:55 am

    If I wanted to be oversnarky, I could say something like “Guns in church is a problem that is its own solution.” But I won’t.

  9. the chaplain

    June 21, 2010 at 10:05 am

    I admire your self-control. :grin:

  10. Tommykey

    June 21, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    It would certainly make those squabbles between the monks of different Christian sects over access to holy sites a lot more interesting.

  11. Larry Wallberg

    June 22, 2010 at 2:15 am

    I think some inspired freethinker should do a documentary film in which he or she interiews people who bring their guns to church.

    Q: Why do you think you need a gun here?
    Q: Christians often ask themselves, “What would Jesus do?” Do you think he’d carry a weapon to a church?
    Q: What else do you carry with you to church?
    Q: Where will you be going with that gun after the service is over?
    Q: Do you think that God prefers a specific kind of gun, or doesn’t he care just as long as it can kill people?
    Q: Do you approve of Muslims carrying guns to their mosques?

    • hippieprof

      June 22, 2010 at 9:06 am

      Q: Do you approve of Muslims carrying guns to their mosques?

      Perhaps more revealing: Are Muslim’s allowed to carry guns when they visit a Christian church?

      • PhillyChief

        June 22, 2010 at 9:21 am

        Very nice. Will there be a true believer test at the door?

        • the chaplain

          June 22, 2010 at 10:11 am

          The test is easy: anyone not carrying is clearly an infidel.

  12. desertscope

    June 23, 2010 at 5:32 am

    A: You ever seen the kind of trailer trash what shows up here?
    A: If’n he values his wallet.
    A: Why? Ye ain’t doin’ a cavity search, is ye?
    A: Give ya a hint. This here’s mah drinkin’ gun.
    A: Desert Eagle.
    A: Only if they’s afixin’ tuh kill some brown folk.

  13. the chaplain

    June 23, 2010 at 8:53 am

    Are you sure you don’t have redneck blood in your veins?

  14. desertscope

    June 24, 2010 at 2:58 am

    To be fair, I did once live in a trailer in backwoods Arkansas. Whenever we headed in to the mighty metropolis of Arkadelphia, we passed by Mike Huckabee’s alma mater, Ouachita Baptist University.

    • the chaplain

      June 24, 2010 at 2:22 pm

      That explains it. You’re too familiar with the lingo to have just a passing acquaintance with it.


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