Have Yourself a Very (un)Merry Christmas

Even though Christmas is more than a month away, FOX News has already assembled an amazing array of holiday un-cheer messages. Check out this hilarious compilation video, courtesy of Talking Points Memo:

Did you catch all of that gloom and doom? A few highlights from FOX’s lengthy list:

1. THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS HAS RESUMED! Nativity scenes are disappearing because big, bad atheists are ruining “everyone’s” fun.

2. Rudolph has gone rogue!

3. If the Mayans got it right, no one will make it to Christmas day.

4. And, if all that’s not bad enough, we can always gripe about high holiday season airfares, germ-riddled airplanes, the difficulties of car rentals, the danger of choking on our holiday dinners…

Oh, my fucking god! Get thee to a bomb shelter! Black Friday hasn’t even ended and it’s already been a disastrous holiday season!

Maybe someone ought to give those poor slobs at FOX News (and their viewers, who must be thoroughly depressed (and they haven’t even seen their credit card bills yet!)) a few fifths of bourbon. Or a couple of bongs. They clearly need something to calm them down. Then again, they seem to be in such a bad way that perhaps nothing short of pure cocaine will ease their pain. It’s a wonder they haven’t started jumping off ledges and slitting their wrists.

Wait a moment.

Having thought about the matter for a few milliseconds, I’ve decided I won’t do anything to alleviate their pain. Instead, I’ll sit back and enjoy watching them wallow in “gloom, despair, and agony…deep, dark depression, excessive misery” for the next month or so. It could be pretty entertaining.

Alright, that’s settled, then. Now, on to the next important matter: I’ll make the popcorn. Who’s gonna bring the beer?

– the chaplain

 

Stephen Colbert Solves a Mystery

Stephen Colbert recently turned his awesome intellect to a the age-old question of Jesus’ identity and came up with this answer:

As is the case with most mysteries, the solution was right in front of us the whole time.

– the chaplain

 

Revisionist History in the Making

I know the pic below is just a Facebook post, but it’s illustrative of how American wingnuts revise history:

Seriously? The Berlin Wall was dismantled because a man who was literally losing his mind “shamed” the Soviets? I’m falling off my chair with laughter! I have no choice. If I don’t, I’ll either burst out in tears or yell in frustration.

The next thing we know, people will be naming airports and high schools after St. Ronnie, making pilgrimages to his ranch for healing, and consulting with Nancy’s astrologers to develop policy positions. Personally, I’m looking forward to seeing him make regular appearances on tree stumps, pancakes and shower stalls. That’s when we’ll know his canonization is complete.

– the chaplain

 

Spot the Error!

It’s time to play a game, children!

Can you find the error in Mitt Romney’s iPhone App?

I guess Team Romney forgot to stop at the iTunes store to buy a dictionary or spell-check app.

– the chaplain

 

On the American Presidential Campaign Trail

It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything political, so I’ll fix that now. Anyone who’s been following the American presidential election campaign knows that the Republicans have had a fair number of candidates enter and drop out of the race. Until today, Rick Santorum was the latest contender to suspend his campaign. In fairness to Santorum, I’ll admit that he got much farther than I ever expected he would; I suspect that says much more about the state of the Republican party these days than it does about Santorum’s candidacy. Not surprisingly, Andy Borowitz got the scoop on another suspended campaign:

I’m sure Mitt Romney is relieved that Charles Manson has decided to stay right where he is. The only question that remains for him now is this: what will it take to get Newt Gingrich to drop out of the race?

– the chaplain