What Would Jesus Carry?

06 Jan

I have a friend who recently moved to an island in the South Pacific to be a Christian missionary. When he’s not busy proselytizing Jesus to the heathen natives, he uses the Internet to push the Second Amendment on the unenlightened back in the USA. He belligerently promotes the NRA recommendation to have armed personnel in every school in the country and constantly writes disparaging items about liberals and gun control advocates. To be fair, he’s not the only conservative Christian who engages in such activities. One guy wrote that Christians should carry guns because Jesus’ disciples carried swords (conveniently overlooking the fact that Jesus reprimanded Peter when he actually used a sword to wound someone (after which he allegedly healed the wound)). That post mysteriously disappeared after the deacon commented that the same rationale could be applied to public nudity, since King David reportedly celebrated a military victory by dancing nude in the streets (behavior for which one of his several wives rebuked him). All of this fundogelical verbosity on behalf of gun rights prompts me to wonder: what would Jesus carry? Confining the discussion to firearms (we’ll leave nuclear, chemical, biological and other such possibilities out of the mix for now), what do you think Jesus’ firearm of choice would be? Explain your answer in a comment.

- – the chaplain


Posted by on January 6, 2013 in friends, politics, rationalism, religion, society


18 responses to “What Would Jesus Carry?

  1. Ric Gerace

    January 6, 2013 at 1:36 pm

    A squirt gun. Nobody would know what it was, back then. So he could garner some miraculous PR and build up his brand.

    Of course that’s not exactly a firearm. More of a waterarm. But they’d think it was all-powerfulish.

    • Clooney Wolfram

      January 6, 2013 at 2:05 pm

      With Jesus carrying it, it might start out as a waterarm, but would then miraculously turn into a winearm.

      • TLH

        January 26, 2013 at 9:32 am


  2. Graham

    January 6, 2013 at 5:29 pm

    He would carry a cross for ”he who lives by the sword will also perish by the sword”. You are right to point out the hypocrisy though. This extreme view is pretty non existent amongst U.K.Christians simply because Jesus taught the opposite but also because firearms are very limited to illegal inner city gang / drug culture.

  3. Lithp

    January 6, 2013 at 6:08 pm

    “since King David reportedly celebrated a military victory by dancing nude in the streets (behavior for which one of his several wives rebuked him).”

    How did King James make this boring?

    To answer the question, a flamethrower that he pulls out of his mouth.

  4. desertscope

    January 6, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    I think he would carry around a portable megawatt-class laser. I’m pretty sure the book of Revelation requires melting unconverted Jews or something of that sort.

  5. D'Ma

    January 7, 2013 at 9:59 am

    I’ve never really considered Jesus packing heat. How bizarre considering that he will have a double-edged sword protruding from his mouth. But what the heck, I think he’d have a marshmallow gun. I’m channeling a bit of Ghost Busters here. I’m thinking of the least harmful thing imaginable. ;)

    • Ric Gerace

      January 7, 2013 at 10:16 am

      C’mon, a squirt gun is less harmful than a marshmallow gun. Marshmallows get all sticky and yucky. Water just runs off. Unless of course you’re standing in an electric field, which they didn’t have then, so the squirt gun still comes out less harmful. Come to think of it, did they have marshmallows then?

      Ironic that you’re holding one of those compound bow contraptions instead of a real bow like they used back then. :)

      • D'Ma

        January 7, 2013 at 10:44 am

        No, not a compound bow. A gun. And it’s still pretty harmless. Marshmallows, that it. Though I suppose I could have gone with a potato gun. He could have been packing and true to his vision at the same time. He could have randomly fired it off in the general direction of the poor and needy, feeding them along the way. What with his ability to multiply them and all. :D

      • D'Ma

        January 7, 2013 at 12:17 pm

        Oh, haha! I completely forgot what profile picture I have up. Sometimes I act blonder than I paid to be.

        I guess that is ironic. My brother-in-law is an avid hunter and he has several of these. He’s in law enforcement and has a butt load of guns and his own ammunition re-load equipment. I hear all this ridiculous gun rights rhetoric on a regular basis.

  6. the chaplain

    January 7, 2013 at 11:15 am

    I like the idea of a squirt gun that ejects wine. That would be great fun on New Year’s Eve. Marshmallow guns would be nice too, but marshmallows don’t go very well with wine. The potato gun would be useful, but getting thumped by spuds could cause bruising. Still, it would be a good way to feed and defend the masses in one shot (bad pun, couldn’t resist!).

    • ubi dubium

      January 11, 2013 at 9:51 am

      Maybe a gun that shoots loaves and fishes. He woudn’t need to load very much ammo to take down a whole crowd!

      • Ahab

        January 15, 2013 at 12:10 am

        Gaaaah! Ubi Dubium had the same idea I did about a loaf and fish gun!

        Okay then … what about a liquid nard gun, a reference to the scriptural passage where a woman broke a vial of nard over Jesus’ feet? A better smelling weapon you will not find.

  7. Paul Sunstone

    January 16, 2013 at 8:02 am

    I’m uncertain what kind of gun Jesus would have, but I’m quite sure he would not need a 100 round ammo clip to get his point across.

  8. tommykey

    January 20, 2013 at 11:12 pm

    It’s amazing how right wing Christians make so many things an integral part of their religious beliefs that were never contemplated by Jesus and the early Christians, such as football and firearms. I don’t remember Jesus mentioning either in the Gospels.

  9. TLH

    January 26, 2013 at 9:30 am

    I am not sure what he’d carry, but I suspect that he preached peace and forgiveness because he didn’t have C4.

    Bear in mind that I’m married to a former US Army combat engineer… ;)

  10. Amiable Dorsai

    August 26, 2013 at 11:28 am

    We need not guess; he told us his preference: The Colt Single-Action Army revolver.

    “Blessed are the Peacemakers…”

  11. jonolan

    June 27, 2014 at 10:00 am

    That would depend upon what the truth of his preachings were. The Sermon on the Mount can, if one studies the history of the time, be seen as a call to resistance against Rome somewhat akin to Ghandi’s call for passive resistance to the British. If so, then Jesus was something of a revolutionary.

    Revolutionaries have for a long time preferred the Kalashnokiv so that’s what I think he would carry.


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