Even though Christmas is more than a month away, FOX News has already assembled an amazing array of holiday un-cheer messages. Check out this hilarious compilation video, courtesy of Talking Points Memo:
Did you catch all of that gloom and doom? A few highlights from FOX’s lengthy list:
1. THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS HAS RESUMED! Nativity scenes are disappearing because big, bad atheists are ruining “everyone’s” fun.
2. Rudolph has gone rogue!
3. If the Mayans got it right, no one will make it to Christmas day.
4. And, if all that’s not bad enough, we can always gripe about high holiday season airfares, germ-riddled airplanes, the difficulties of car rentals, the danger of choking on our holiday dinners…
Oh, my fucking god! Get thee to a bomb shelter! Black Friday hasn’t even ended and it’s already been a disastrous holiday season!
Maybe someone ought to give those poor slobs at FOX News (and their viewers, who must be thoroughly depressed (and they haven’t even seen their credit card bills yet!)) a few fifths of bourbon. Or a couple of bongs. They clearly need something to calm them down. Then again, they seem to be in such a bad way that perhaps nothing short of pure cocaine will ease their pain. It’s a wonder they haven’t started jumping off ledges and slitting their wrists.
Wait a moment.
Having thought about the matter for a few milliseconds, I’ve decided I won’t do anything to alleviate their pain. Instead, I’ll sit back and enjoy watching them wallow in “gloom, despair, and agony…deep, dark depression, excessive misery” for the next month or so. It could be pretty entertaining.
Alright, that’s settled, then. Now, on to the next important matter: I’ll make the popcorn. Who’s gonna bring the beer?
– the chaplain