Even though Christmas is more than a month away, FOX News has already assembled an amazing array of holiday un-cheer messages. Check out this hilarious compilation video, courtesy of Talking Points Memo:
Did you catch all of that gloom and doom? A few highlights from FOX’s lengthy list:
1. THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS HAS RESUMED! Nativity scenes are disappearing because big, bad atheists are ruining “everyone’s” fun.
2. Rudolph has gone rogue!
3. If the Mayans got it right, no one will make it to Christmas day.
4. And, if all that’s not bad enough, we can always gripe about high holiday season airfares, germ-riddled airplanes, the difficulties of car rentals, the danger of choking on our holiday dinners…
Oh, my fucking god! Get thee to a bomb shelter! Black Friday hasn’t even ended and it’s already been a disastrous holiday season!
Maybe someone ought to give those poor slobs at FOX News (and their viewers, who must be thoroughly depressed (and they haven’t even seen their credit card bills yet!)) a few fifths of bourbon. Or a couple of bongs. They clearly need something to calm them down. Then again, they seem to be in such a bad way that perhaps nothing short of pure cocaine will ease their pain. It’s a wonder they haven’t started jumping off ledges and slitting their wrists.
Wait a moment.
Having thought about the matter for a few milliseconds, I’ve decided I won’t do anything to alleviate their pain. Instead, I’ll sit back and enjoy watching them wallow in “gloom, despair, and agony…deep, dark depression, excessive misery” for the next month or so. It could be pretty entertaining.
Alright, that’s settled, then. Now, on to the next important matter: I’ll make the popcorn. Who’s gonna bring the beer?
– the chaplain
Mike aka MonolithTMA
November 24, 2012 at 10:16 am
I guess the “F” in “FOX” is for fear.
the chaplain
November 24, 2012 at 10:28 am
Lithp
November 24, 2012 at 10:19 pm
“It’s never too early for the War on Christmas!”
Favorite part.
Ahab
November 25, 2012 at 11:53 pm
Bourbon? These people need fiber! They’re clearly too constipated to just relax and enjoy the holidays.
the chaplain
November 28, 2012 at 6:31 pm
But bourbon is much more fun than fiber.
Graham
November 27, 2012 at 3:29 am
That was funny but isn’t Fox news like that all year round. TV junk is surely one of the greatest vehicles for manipulation in history creating cynicism and as Mike said fear. News without a scapegoat or a scare story would be nice but not very likely. Removing the nativity just to offend people though seems a bit pointless. Better to let Christians celebrate CHRISTmas and create a separate celebratory day for Atheism/ humanism or anything else if you fancy. I’m all for hope and a bit of optimism personally i love Christmas not least what we do in church but also as Ahab points out to relax and enjoy.
the chaplain
November 28, 2012 at 7:13 pm
I don’t know of anyone who wants to remove nativity scenes from government property “just to offend people.” I’m only aware of people who want nativity scenes kept off of, or removed from, government property because such scenes are explicitly religious icons and government lands are inappropriate venues for such displays. Regardless of some people’s mistaken views, religious freedom for all does not entail religious privilege for a few; the USA is not, legally or politically, a Christian Nation. Christians are free to plant nativity scenes right next to their pink flamingoes on their own lawns, or on their church properties. It’s not like there’s a shortage of such properties anywhere in the USA. Government property belongs to all Americans. Therefore, American governments, be they federal, state, or local, are obligated to either allow expressions of all forms of religious or philosophical belief on government property – which is impractical, to say the least – or to eschew any such expressions on property that is owned and operated by and for the entire public.
Would you care to explain why atheists should create a separate celebratory holiday? Christians stole pagan solstice holidays and remade those holidays in their preferred image! And then they so thoroughly embedded their holiday throughout Western and American cultures that all of us are compelled to acknowledge their holiday, regardless of whether we have any interest in celebrating it, by such means as being compelled to close our businesses and take time off work according to their Christian calendar. Given all that, it’s really not asking much to request that they keep their icons off public property. They can celebrate their holidays in their homes and churches however they see fit to do so, and the rest of us will celebrate the holiday that’s been imposed on us as we see fit. And we don’t need government land to do so.
Tommykey
November 27, 2012 at 8:43 pm
I’ve been meaning to make some “Kick Christ Out of Christmas” bumper stickers. I’ll send some to Bill O’Reilly and Sean Hannity.
the chaplain
November 28, 2012 at 6:32 pm
Some fundies think the abbreviation Xmas is an attempt to kick Christ out of Christmas.
Moe
November 28, 2012 at 3:21 pm
Great minds and all chappy – I also took note this am that Fox had finally begun it’s traditional War on Christmas. Did you hear the new meme going about to desccribe them and Rush et al? A number of non crazy conservatives in print and on the teevee are now referring to them as part of the ‘conservative-entertainment complex’. Yummy!
Hope you had a good gobble gobble!
the chaplain
November 28, 2012 at 6:35 pm
I had a nice gobble gobble. Hope you did too. Thinking people may be able to identify an “entertainment complex,” but many consider the content of that entertainment to be real news! Unfortunately, I know more than a few such folks. Sad, really. Very. Sad.
Moe
November 28, 2012 at 8:08 pm
I know them too – did I mention that the meme is coming from the not-crazy right? Must say this is the first time I’ve heard anything like this. May it grow. And grow
the chaplain
November 28, 2012 at 9:23 pm
Yeah, a few people like David Frum have started distancing themselves from the wackadoodles. I’ve said for years that the conservatives with brains need to separate themselves from the nutjobs. The sooner the better. This country needs a serious, responsible, responsive conservative party.
Moe
November 28, 2012 at 11:28 pm
Meanwhile, I live in the hope that one day LImbaugh will leave the mic on by mistake and say unflattering things about his audience and have them fly across the airwaves to tens of millions . . That’s worth living for, yes?
Ahab
November 30, 2012 at 11:08 am
I’m recalling a scene from “A Face in the Crowd” where that very thing happened at the end. Let’s hope it happens to Limbaugh or the Fox News folks.