It’s been amusing to watch fundies flounder and fumble in search of a Republican presidential candidate they can endorse. Thor knows, they couldn’t possibly endorse a Democratic nominee, particularly not the man who currently occupies the office located at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Sarah Palin has been smart enough – so far – to stay out of the race and (as of today) has no intention of entering it. (She’s discovered that being a sideline critic is much easier than being a candidate). Michelle Bachmann is going down in flames, as her dementia becomes more obvious every day. (Am I the only one who finds her vacant stare more than a bit spooky?) And whenever Rick Perry and Mitt Romney share a stage, Mitt the Robot upstages Rick the Inarticulate. (Scary thought: Rick Perry makes George W. Bush look like a Rhodes Scholar (no offense intended to actual Rhodes Scholars (I’m looking at you, Bill Clinton))). At this point, Romney the Mormon is the party’s front-runner – a fact that is giving fundies a bad case of diarrhea.
I’m not sure they’ve found their candidate yet, but some of them are taking a close look at Herman Cain. Will he prove himself worthy of their anointing seal?
This clip of Cain crooning at the National Press Club gives me an idea The fundies should host a Gospel Sing-Off between all the Republican candidates. They could call it The Xmas Factor. The best singer would win the fundie endorsement. In case of a tie, the winner would be the candidate who knows the most gospel songs, hymns and worship choruses by memory. Since the only policy positions that fundies care about are
a) anti-abortion,
b) anti-evolution, and
c) pro-Holy War
a sing-off would allow them to focus on finding their really, truly perfect candidate. After all, they’re not actually looking for someone to be the nation’s president. No, indeed. What they’re really looking for is someone to be the nation’s pastor. The best candidate for that position would be the person who could
a) lead the nation in stirring prayers, and
b) lead the nation in rousing sing-alongs.
Herman Cain has sung his opening number. Now it’s time for Mitt to step up to the mic and belt out a tune.
– the chaplain
The Blog Fodder
November 1, 2011 at 1:08 pm
Since the only policy positions that fundies care about are
a) anti-abortion,
b) anti-evolution, and
c) pro-Holy War
That is totally frightening. No one cares about the country or its people?
The Wise Fool
November 1, 2011 at 5:54 pm
I can’t believe you forgot one other fundie pillar:
d) anti-gay marriage
It is a shame they don’t care who can actually, effectively, run the country. Zeus help us.
The chaplain
November 1, 2011 at 6:07 pm
OMFG!!! You’re so right! Thanks for correcting my egregious error.
Ahab
November 1, 2011 at 7:02 pm
If a candidate is singing a jazz song, how will we know if they’re just singing scat, or if they’re speaking in tongues? Scat and glossolalia sound remarkably similar.
PhillyChief
November 2, 2011 at 4:46 pm
Brilliant idea, especially since their supporters seem to look at elections and politics like American Idol anyway.
Btw, Borowitz quipped that now that Cain has a sex scandal, he finally appears presidential, like a real politician.