It’s been a busy fall for me, and I haven’t gotten out with my camera nearly enough. Temperatures are dropping and fall colors are quickly fading in the mid-Atlantic USA. Knowing that, I took a few minutes at the end of my lunch break to grab my iPhone and take it for a walk in the park:
– the chaplain
Authors: God & David Javerbaum
Publisher: Simon & Schuster
Chapter One
1 And lo, YHWH aka Allah, having checked in on the third rock from the sun (aka Earth) and realized that it had been 1,400 years since his last written communication with humankind, decided recently that the time had come to reveal himself anew,
2 And to set the record straight on a few misunderstandings that some of his fervent followers have about him.
3 And so, YHWH aka Allah met with an agent at Simon & Schuster with whom he was pleased to arrive at mutually agreeable terms for the publication of a memoir. He was also pleased to retain the services of an outstanding amanuensis, David Javerbaum, former head writer and executive producer of The Daily Show,
4 For lo, YHWH aka Allah believes Jon Stewart is one of the funniest comics working today, and wanted to include similarly humorous material in his memoir.
5 Having previously written prolifically in the Hebrew, Catholic, Protestant and Muslim scriptures, YHWH aka Allah limited his memoir to a brief (for him) 383 pages. Or, more likely, he is aware of the short attention spans of many 21st century readers.
6 Early in the book, YHWH aka Allah reveals that a) the first two human inhabitants in Eden were, in fact, Adam and Steve, and b) he planted all of the evidence supporting evolution. He asks, “Canst thou grasp the scope of my hoax, humanity? Can thy mortal minds absorb even a drop of the immense ocean constituting the thoroughness of thy punking?”
7 Verily, I say, woe to readers who expected YHWH aka Allah to reveal that he hates gays, and that the earth is 13.7 billion years old. Woe, indeed, to believers and nonbelievers alike, for YHWH aka Allah (if he exists) is more mysterious than even his followers imagined.
8 And he admits he has anger-management issues. As well as a sadistic streak.
9 Notwithstanding his sadism and anger-management issues, YHWH aka Allah has a sense of humor. In reviewing the Noahic Deluge, YHWH reveals his surprise at the following:
10 The flood took longer than he expected it would take,
11 Many people were better swimmers than he had reckoned they’d be, and
12 Human corpses are effective flotation devices.
13 These revelations underscore one of YHWH aka Allah’s most shocking confessions – he does not know everything.
14 YHWH aka Allah also reveals that he gets angry when Americans sing (incessantly, it seems), “God bless America.” As he says, “Americans asking me for more blessings is like Tahitians asking me for sunnier days.” And lo, he has a valid point.
15 Behold: YHWH aka Allah loves sports, and even has favorite teams (the Cubs are not among them). He nonetheless insists that he has never influenced the outcome of any game to determine a winner. His exact words are, “I do not intervene in sporting events . . . because … I care so deeply about the integrity of the game.”
Chapter Two
1 In his most poignant revelation of all, YHWH aka Allah reveals that Jesus’ sacrificial life and death were Jesus’ ideas, not his. Before Jesus completed his self-appointed mission to rescue humankind from damnation, YHWH aka Allah considered Jesus to be the weaker of his two sons (Holy Ghost being the other one).
2 But lo, by the time Jesus ascended to heaven, YHWH aka Allah gained a new respect for the son he’d previously deemed too soft to be an effective deity. Yea, YHWH aka Allah admits without shame that he, like much of western civilization, is now Jesus-whipped.
3 YHWH aka Allah wrote briefly about Islam. He hesitated to say too much for, by his own admission, he “felt great apprehension concerning the writing of this section.”
4 Nevertheless, he dares to reveal the real reason Muhammad forbade anyone to make a likeness of his image. Verily, in the interests of promoting book sales, I encourage thee to read the book for thyself if thou wantest to know the reason for that seemingly absurd prohibition.
5 Moving through the centuries, YHWH aka Allah reveals which of Martin Luther’s 95 theses are his favorites (sort of a Billboard Top 40) and which religions he admires (spoiler: Buddhism did not make the list). I bid thee beware, atheists, agnostics and nonbelievers, for YHWH aka Allah warns thee to “start thinking about what thou mightest say to me on the infinitesimally off-chance that thou findest thyself standing before me. Yea, start thinking about it now, for if it ever does happen, I can promise thee this: it will be a short meeting.”
6 Thou hast been warned.
7 Suitably enough, YHWH aka Allah concludes his memoir with a day-by-day revelation of the End of the World,
8 Which is currently scheduled to occur on December 21, 2012. However, YHWH aka Allah emphasizes that Armageddon’s date is open for negotiation should his memoirs sell as many copies as his previous publications.
9 Thou hast been warned.
10 Lo, with The Last Testament in hand, readers will be able to follow along each day as YHWH aka Allah brings brings about Armageddon.
11 Let’s just say St. John the Divine had no clue what he wrotest about.
12 But thou wilt – if thou buyest The Last Testament now. And if thou art looking for the perfect gift for the special people in thy life – consider buying copies for them too.
13 For lo, the world thou savest may be thine own.
14 Thou hast been warned.
Chapter Three
The Last Testament is a light-hearted romp through many of the religious beliefs that are current today, particularly in the USA. Believers of a conservative bent will likely find the book too irreverent for their tastes, but more liberal believers may enjoy it. Nonbelievers will likely find it humorous, overall, but may find its length excessive. I found the book dragged near the end, as I dutifully made my way through nearly twelve months (355 days) worth of end-times revelations. In my view, the end-time predictions motif was not cohesive enough to sustain 355 disjointed one-liners. Generally speaking, though, the book was enjoyable. Readers who enjoy light, irreverent fare will like this book. Readers who prefer deeper, more reflective discussions of religion and irreligion are less likely to find this book satisfying.
Thou hast been advised.
– the chaplain
Yesterday afternoon, the deacon, Hypatia and I went to PetSmart to buy Hypatia a car harness. Two hours later, we left the store with a car harness, some puppy treats, a doggie toothbrush, two new leashes, two new dog crates – and a second dog.
As the deacon said later, that turned out to be an expensive harness.
How, you may ask, did we end up adopting a second dog?
Pour yourself a cup of coffee and I’ll tell you.
As we pulled into PetSmart’s parking lot, we saw a van from the Lost Cat & Dog Rescue Foundation, a sign advertising an adoption event, and a lot of dogs milling around outside the store. As we walked into the store, I pointed out one pretty dog (not a Beagle) to the deacon, who responded by saying, “I want another Beagle.” The three of us went into the store, found the harness and puppy treats, paid for our purchases and left the store. As we crossed the sidewalk toward the parking lot, we were greeted by a beautiful 2 year old Beagle named Opal. I greeted her and she responded to me happily. I hesitated to adopt her, though, because I’d read that, if one is introducing a second dog into the family, it’s often best to adopt one of the opposite sex from the first. Apparently, two dogs of the same sex sometimes have difficulty adjusting to each other, whereas opposite sex dogs usually get along quite well together. So, I said “Goodbye” to Opal and kept walking. About three dogs over, I saw a tiny male Beagle. Since he was smaller than Hypatia, I estimated he was 4-5 months old. I walked over to him and said hello, and he promptly jumped onto my lap and smothered my face with kisses. And stole my heart.
I called out to the deacon, “Look at this little guy. What do you think of him?” The deacon and Hypatia came over and he said, “Yes, he’s cute.” We spoke with his handler and discovered that his age is actually 8 months or so. As we walked to the car, we talked about whether we should adopt him. By the time we finished loading the harness and puppy treats into the trunk, we had talked ourselves into it. So, we turned around and headed back to the dog formerly known as Tommy and adopted him. While I filled out the paperwork, the deacon texted our son and told him to come to the pet store after work so he could meet our new dog.
As we shopped, the deacon suggested that we rename the dog formerly known as Tommy. I said, “Do you want to call him Darwin? That’s a great name for a male Beagle – I love the wordplay involved.” The deacon agreed, and our son noted that it follows the trend of naming our dogs after scientists. Darwin is a smart boy and he already knows his new name. I think it’s much more dignified than Tommy (which is a cute name, but not very dignified).
Darwin had a rough life before his adoption. He’s very undersized and was probably the runt of his litter. He was found as a stray about two months ago in Spotsylvania Couny, Virginia (a rural county located about an hour south of Washington, DC). We don’t know if he escaped an enclosure and got lost or was deliberately abandoned. One of the guys from the rescue foundation said it’s not unusual for hunters to abandon hounds who won’t hunt. Can you imagine such heartlessness? It makes my blood boil!
Anyway, Darwin and Hypatia are adjusting to each other pretty well and they love playing together. When the deacon and I take them for walks, they make sure the whole pack is close together. If either dog is in the lead and decides the other pair is lagging too far behind, he or she will stop walking and wait for the other pair to catch up. We’re quickly becoming a cohesive unit.
And now, I’ll close the post with a couple of photos.
Here’s an updated photo of Hypatia. She’s just over 6 months old and weighs 25 pounds. She’s about fully grown now and beautiful.
And here’s Darwin. He only weighs 15.6 pounds. He’s small but spunky and holds his own very well when he plays tug-of-war with Hypatia.
So, there you have it, the saga of Darwin’s Rescue. Stay tuned for more adventures of two hounds in suburbia. In the meantime, my next post will be a review of a newly released book. You’ll have to come back soon to find out which book it is.
– the chaplain
President Obama and Jay Carney played the god card yesterday and botched it badly.
The leader of a secular nation has no business giving anyone in that nation directives from deities. Mr. Obama is the American President. He’s not America’s High Priest nor is he our Head Pastor. He has absolutely no business publicly invoking deities in support of his policies. Instead, the leader of a secular republic should have responded to the House of Representatives’ moronic resolution by either:
a) chiding the House for wasting the people’s time (my preference), or
b) ignoring their resolution completely.
Instead, he tried outsmarting them at their own game – easily the stupidest choice available to him. When the president invoked god as a supporter of his specific policy he moved away from making a policy statement to making a theological pronouncement. Such a pronouncement rolling off the lips of a secular leader is, to say the least, highly inappropriate.
Unfortunately, Mr. Obama’s staff made the situation even worse; the president’s error was compounded by his press secretary (who, if he is not an idiot, had a really bad day). If Jay Carney wants to appeal to biblical authority (he shouldn’t want to do so in the performance of his duties, but he obviously did yesterday), he should begin by checking his source to make sure the citation actually exists. All he managed to do was display his ignorance. My advice to Mr. Carney is simple: don’t try to play the game if you don’t know the playing field.
Here’s my evaluation of how the president and his staff handled this situation:
– the chaplain
It’s been amusing to watch fundies flounder and fumble in search of a Republican presidential candidate they can endorse. Thor knows, they couldn’t possibly endorse a Democratic nominee, particularly not the man who currently occupies the office located at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Sarah Palin has been smart enough – so far – to stay out of the race and (as of today) has no intention of entering it. (She’s discovered that being a sideline critic is much easier than being a candidate). Michelle Bachmann is going down in flames, as her dementia becomes more obvious every day. (Am I the only one who finds her vacant stare more than a bit spooky?) And whenever Rick Perry and Mitt Romney share a stage, Mitt the Robot upstages Rick the Inarticulate. (Scary thought: Rick Perry makes George W. Bush look like a Rhodes Scholar (no offense intended to actual Rhodes Scholars (I’m looking at you, Bill Clinton))). At this point, Romney the Mormon is the party’s front-runner – a fact that is giving fundies a bad case of diarrhea.
I’m not sure they’ve found their candidate yet, but some of them are taking a close look at Herman Cain. Will he prove himself worthy of their anointing seal?
This clip of Cain crooning at the National Press Club gives me an idea The fundies should host a Gospel Sing-Off between all the Republican candidates. They could call it The Xmas Factor. The best singer would win the fundie endorsement. In case of a tie, the winner would be the candidate who knows the most gospel songs, hymns and worship choruses by memory. Since the only policy positions that fundies care about are
a) anti-abortion,
b) anti-evolution, and
c) pro-Holy War
a sing-off would allow them to focus on finding their really, truly perfect candidate. After all, they’re not actually looking for someone to be the nation’s president. No, indeed. What they’re really looking for is someone to be the nation’s pastor. The best candidate for that position would be the person who could
a) lead the nation in stirring prayers, and
b) lead the nation in rousing sing-alongs.
Herman Cain has sung his opening number. Now it’s time for Mitt to step up to the mic and belt out a tune.
– the chaplain
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