This arrived in my email bag today:
Who knew that Jesus Christ had not just one, or two, or even three missions to complete during his alleged tenure on earth? Who isn’t inspired by a man-god (or is it god-man?) who completed a whopping 27 missions, every one of which was impossible, in a mere 33 years?
Take that, Tom Cruise!
Move over, Sean Connery, Roger Moore and Daniel Craig!
Wham! Bam! Pow! Adam West, Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer and Christian Bale!
Hang up your capes, Christopher Reeve and Brandon Routh!
Steven K. Scott thinks Jesus Christ Superstar Superagent Superhero puts your characters to shame.
What do you think? Let me know by voting in the poll and leaving a comment.
– the chaplain
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Spanish Inquisitor
October 21, 2011 at 11:52 am
Don’t forget Jack Reacher
the chaplain
October 21, 2011 at 11:54 am
Yeah, he’s a pretty good character too. Kay Scarpetta used to be a good character.
mutzali
October 21, 2011 at 12:52 pm
Operative phrase “used to be”. You are so right.
Spanish Inquisitor
October 21, 2011 at 12:25 pm
The nice thing about Jack Reacher is he has a new mission every book, and he always succeeds. Not so, Jesus.
Kagehi
October 22, 2011 at 3:41 pm
You know, some people would argue that Superman on there is redundant, and is basically just Jesus in a cape. lol
the chaplain
October 22, 2011 at 3:53 pm
I certainly don’t blame JC for trading in the robe-and-loincloth for the much cooler cape-and-tights. If I’m following you correctly, the connections work like this:
Jesus Christ = Superman
Mary Magdalene = Lois Lane
Works for me, LOL!
Kagehi
October 22, 2011 at 4:17 pm
Well, actually, the argument runs like this, “Dad sends son to earth, in some sort of bid to have him become their savior and hero. Son becomes a very American-Christ like, figure, who loves the US, is chaste and perfect, etc., etc.”
A lot of that has gotten a bit warped in latter renditions of the character, but the original version was so sappy, perfect, never killed, just about loving to everyone, including enemies, always there to save you from out of the sky, etc., and included a supposed love affair with Lois, which bordered on almost being something other than platonic, that its not too hard for someone to see a parallel.
I have no problem seeing someone, back in the early days of the comic, asking, “Is he a virgin?”, and getting the response, “Of course, he would never do that, unless married.”, with the pretty obvious conclusion that there is no damn way he was every likely to *get* married to Lois, or anyone else, or even get laid, and risk his secret identity.
But, its not exactly my own observation. I can see where the people that describe him as a Jesus like figure are coming from, but some of the people making it also claimed that Harry Potter is such a figure, in the last book, and like to rag on movies that I actually liked, but they completely hated. A certain one of your fellow bloggers, of some notorious repute, has done all three, much to, in the last case, my great annoyance at times.
the chaplain
October 22, 2011 at 4:26 pm
Smallville = Bethlehem
USA = Israel (lots of evangelicals say that very seriously – the New Israel, actually)
If JC was really god’s son, or the second person of god himself (however the hell that works), you’d think he would have known what he was giving up when he agreed to a life of celibacy. Come on – do you think humankind’s “salvation” was worth that? JC should have negotiated for the opportunity to marry and make some whoopie before dying a painful (albeit temporary) death. He sounds to me like he may have been well-intentioned, but just a tad dim-witted. Or just a really shitty negotiator. Some savior-hero.
Brian M
October 22, 2011 at 4:36 pm
But that darn Dan Brown book was just so awful, Chaplain!
the chaplain
October 22, 2011 at 4:41 pm
Yeah, Dan Brown’s take was pretty bad. That’s why Robert Langdon didn’t make the poll.
Ahab
October 22, 2011 at 11:21 pm
Impossible missions? Now I have a mental image of Jesus in fatigues and a flak jacket, with an AK-47 strapped to his back, skulking through the jungle.
The chaplain
October 23, 2011 at 5:49 pm
That’s a terrifying picture! Then again, a blood-soaked Jesus dangling on a cross is gruesome too. Strange how inured we become to commonplace cultural icons.
tommykey
October 23, 2011 at 2:26 pm
I would think that if Superman tried to have sex with an Earth woman, he would accidentally split her in half with his pelvic thrusts, unless of course she was on top.
The chaplain
October 23, 2011 at 5:51 pm
I bet Superman has great staying power.
Ahab
October 24, 2011 at 5:55 pm
I’d be more worried if the Earth woman conceived. If the fetus inherited Superman’s super strength, that could spell injuries for the mother when the fetus kicks, not to mention birth!
PhillyChief
October 23, 2011 at 11:14 pm
If Superman is Jesus in a cape, then Batman is the atheist hero. No “magic” powers. Forced to deal with the reality of his parents gunned down in front of him without some fantasy belief, and he relies on his own human abilities, both physical and mental. Fuck Superman.
So what are these 27 missions of Jesus?
Drive demons into a herd of pigs so they’ll run off a cliff and die? Check
Curse a fig tree? Check
Encourage slave beatings? Check
What are the rest?
the chaplain
October 24, 2011 at 8:31 am
You forgot changing water to wine – easily the most useful mission of all! As for the remainder, your guess is as good as mine.
PhillyChief
October 24, 2011 at 1:54 pm
Yes, but we don’t know anything about the quality of that wine. The change might not have been an improvement.
the chaplain
October 24, 2011 at 4:28 pm
I don’t have any experience with Middle Eastern wines. Do you think Jesus suffered from a poorly educated palate? If he’d been raised in France, one would expect him to have fairly high standards. But in Israel? I don’t know.
Ahab
October 24, 2011 at 5:56 pm
I hope it was something special, like pomegranate wine.
tommykey
October 24, 2011 at 11:19 pm
Well, it does say something in that Bible story about the water he turned into wine being better than what had already been served.
jonjermey
October 24, 2011 at 10:44 pm
Don’t forget that Wonder Woman is under a contractual obligation to get tied up at least once per mission; that gives her bonus points.
As for Jesus, I guess the end of his mission list looked like this:
25: Get killed
26: Come back to life
27: Lolz
PhillyChief
October 27, 2011 at 1:54 pm
brb
tommykey
October 24, 2011 at 11:17 pm
If Superman is Jesus in a cape, then Batman is the atheist hero.
Philly, many years ago when I used to be a conservative, I remember some writer for National Review described Batman as an unrepentant pre-Vatican II Roman Catholic. I don’t remember his justification for it. I think he just pulled it out of his ass.
PhillyChief
October 27, 2011 at 1:48 pm
I don’t know how conservatives could claim him. He’s a rich guy who gives back to the community.