Tale of a Bureacratic Horse’s Ass

My job in the local office of a business requires that I communicate with corporate headquarters on a regular basis. Believe it or not, I usually manage to play nicely with the other bureaucrats. But there are times…

Below is a slightly edited reconstruction of an email I got from one of my least favorite playmates in my bureaucratic sandbox.

TO: the chaplain
CC: the neighborhood horse’s ass’s boss; the boss of the neighborhood horse’s ass’s boss;
the corporate office department head; the chaplain’s boss; the chaplain’s boss’s boss
FROM: the neighborhood horse’s ass

RE: criminal background check for John Doe

Criminal background checks are not required for cooks. Unless you want to run a check on John Doe anyway.

The photos on the documents you faxed are illegible. Please scan and email them.

Thank you,
the neighborhood horse’s ass

Attachment: scanned copies of illegible faxed documents

It probably did not escape your notice that the neighborhood horse’s ass decided he had to copy nearly every bureaucrat in two states on this matter. My guess is that he was trying to impress them with how seriously he takes his job, how fearlessly he puts morons in their places and reminds them of procedural norms, and how moronic are the people he struggles with on a daily basis. Oh, yes. The horse’s ass is a smart cookie, alright. He dots his i’s and crosses his t’s without fail, and he always minds his p’s and q’s.

There’s just one small problem with his little missive.

He sent it to the wrong moron.

Upon checking the attached documents and ascertaining that

a) I had not hired John Doe to cook or perform any other tasks in my workplace,
b) I had never, to my knowledge, met John Doe, and
c) John Doe had been hired by the Virginia Beach office,

I responded to the horse’s ass. Naturally, since he had sent copies of his reprimand to a multitude, I hit the “reply to all” button and composed my response:

TO: the neighborhood horse’s ass
CC: the neighborhood horse’s ass’s boss; the boss of the neighborhood horse’s ass’s boss;
the corporate office department head; the chaplain’s boss; the chaplain’s boss’s boss
FROM: the chaplain

RE: criminal background check for John Doe

John Doe is not employed here. Try Virginia Beach.

Here’s his response:

TO: the chaplain
CC:
FROM: the neighborhood horse’s ass

RE: criminal background check for John Doe

Oops. My mistake. I sent that email to the wrong person.

Duh, ya think?

I’m sure you noticed that his response was not copied to anyone. When he was the big man showing up the little peon in a local office, he made sure to let everyone above him (and me) know it. When he got his ass handed to him on a golden platter, he did the right thing by apologizing. He also did the wrong thing by not stating his apology as publicly as he stated his reprimand. I shouldn’t have been surprised. What else should one expect from the neighborhood horse’s ass?

– the chaplain