The Onion, the USA’s second-best news organization (first place goes to Comedy Central, of course), led today’s yesterday’s news with this headline:
Check out the hair-raising details of this tragic turn of events (if you dare):
WASHINGTON—Reports continue to pour in from around the nation today of helpless Americans being forcibly taken from their marital unions after President Obama dropped the Defense of Marriage Act earlier this week, leaving the institution completely vulnerable to roving bands of homosexuals. “It was just awful—they smashed through our living room window, one of them said ‘I’ve had my eye on you, Roger,’ and then they dragged my husband off kicking and screaming,” said Cleveland-area homemaker Rita Ellington, one of the latest victims whose defenseless marriage was overrun by the hordes of battle-ready gays that had been clambering at the gates of matrimony since the DOMA went into effect in 1996. “Oh dear God, why did they remove the protection provided by this vital piece of legislation? My children! What will I tell my children?” A video communique was sent to the media late yesterday from what appears to be the as-yet unidentified leader of the gay marauders, who, adorned in terrifying warpaint, announced “Richard Dickson of Ames, Iowa. We’re coming for you next. Put on something nice.”
Man, oh man, oh man! President Obama has gone and done it now. It’s bad enough the goofy fellow wants to give every single American access to health care. It’s even worse that his meddling wife is encouraging American children to be fit and lean. Now he’s letting gays tear up god-ordained heterosexual marriages. He’s not lifting a finger to help those poor, beleaguered straight couples who absolutely cannot maintain their marriages without the full force of the American military and all three branches of the federal government standing steadfastly behind them, armed to the teeth, and fully locked and loaded.
It’s a grim time for heterosexuals in America, especially married ones. Things are so grim that any heterosexuals still reading this post should stop immediately and go take care of business. Do it now. You absolutely cannot wait because, for all we know, the next bedroom the gays invade may be yours. If that happens, another bastion of heterosexuality will be destroyed forever and the collapse of civilization as we know it will be imminent.
And it will all be the fault of those damned gays.
– the chaplain
John Evo
February 26, 2011 at 1:34 am
Indeed! It all changes now. Nothing will ever be the same. The entire nation will be gay or lesbian within a decade.
Cyc
February 26, 2011 at 1:35 am
The horror, the horror! Though an odd question did cross my mind, whose side do the bisexuals join? Does it depend what kind of relationship they are in at the time as to whether they are being preyed upon or with the Mad Max imitating homosexuals? And what about the polys? Might they only have one part of the relationship (assumeing there is) taken from them?
Oh that’s right, I forget, when viewing the world through fundie-vision everything is black and white, just like the 50′s television they so adore.
While Obama certainly has to answer for his ‘crimes against marriage’ or whatever it will soon be called. I think I know who was really behind this turn of events, NASA.
Paul Sunstone
February 26, 2011 at 4:34 am
Ever since Holder’s announcement, a dark force has been tugging at me, pulling at me, to visit San Francisco.
mikespeir
February 26, 2011 at 5:06 am
I knew it! Did they call this one right or not?
Frank DN
February 26, 2011 at 7:49 am
Oh, goodie! Now I can finally get me some of that oral sex I’ve been hearing about!
Sarge
February 26, 2011 at 7:51 am
One of the lesbian ladies across the street thought she just might take a bunch of 3X5 cards, put an X on them, and tape them to certain doors in the neighborhood, giving meaningful, meancing looks.
After we all laughed, we disuaded her. Some people might take her seriously.
Astasia
February 26, 2011 at 8:32 am
I don’t have time to comment: I have to go break up some heterosexual marriages and lesbian-up some straight women!
the chaplain
February 26, 2011 at 9:54 am
Evo:
Yep. The entire nation will be gay within a decade, and the entire population will be extinct within 80 years, give or take a bit. Unless we’re all living under Sharia law by then.
Cyc:
Bis will make the transition very easily. The polys will probably get some sort of DADT policy.
Paul:
I’ve had the same hankering and couldn’t figure out why. Now I know. Teh gay is getting to me already.
Mike:
You know what they say about broken clocks.
Frank:
You’re gonna love it.
Sarge:
It’s a good thing you dissuaded your friend from revealing her intentions; she shouldn’t give away the advantage of surprise.
Astasia:
At least I’ll know what you’re up to when you’re not here.
Nightcap
February 26, 2011 at 12:55 pm
I received this clipping from a gay friend, who regrets that he’s too lazy to destroy my marriage…
Kagehi
February 26, 2011 at 1:03 pm
Been ‘trying’ to watch the new Onion News on TV, but.. is it just me or are they flat out not as funny as the online ones? Not that some of those don’t fall semi-flat too. The problem, I think, is that they try to go so far over the top on some of it that its not satire, so much as just making shit up that doesn’t even have alternate universe level plausibility. I guess I am expecting Colbert level hyper-actual-politics/belief-gibberish, not, “Disney reports on Donald ducks adventure to find Sasquatch.” Its like watching a long series of Jack Link’s commercials, in which they include not just the ones that made it to TV, but all the scripts they rejected as well, for being too unfunny to use.
the chaplain
February 26, 2011 at 1:25 pm
Nightcap:
Was that his subtle way of telling you, you’re not his type?
Kagehi:
I guess the thing that makes this piece work is that it seems plausible, in a warped way. Given some of the bullshit spouted by anti-gay spokesperson, this seems pretty close to the kind of scenario they envision.
Ahab
February 26, 2011 at 6:15 pm
“. . . those poor, beleaguered straight couples who absolutely cannot maintain their marriages without the full force of the American military and all three branches of the federal government . . . ”
How unhappy is someone’s marriage if they need the armed forces and our entire government to keep them together?
Sarge
February 26, 2011 at 6:24 pm
Is it just me, or has anyone else noticed that so many of the “Defenders of Traditional Marriage” are serial polygsamists, and/or always have a little side action, usually treat their spouse like shit?
Spanish Inquisitor
February 26, 2011 at 6:42 pm
Word has it that Gideon read that piece and didn’t think it was funny.
the chaplain
February 26, 2011 at 6:59 pm
Ahab:
Q: How unhappy is someone’s marriage if they need the armed forces and our entire government to keep them together?
A: Pretty damned unhappy, I’d say.
Sarge:
It looks like the Defenders of Traditional Marriage are defending Old Testament-Style Traditional Marriage.
SI:
Would you expect anything else from a fundy?
ignardsmarnoff
February 27, 2011 at 12:12 am
ignorance abounds
Lorena
February 27, 2011 at 1:16 am
I wanted to take care of business, but the man is away visiting his folks. Wait a minute, maybe there is woman around ….
Second thought, this is Canada. Gays here have rights and are OK. They don’t need to “convert” the straight ones.
prairienymph
February 27, 2011 at 5:12 am
Obviously, you don’t live in mini-Texas, or Canada’s bible buckle. Where one of our premier-hopefuls is riding on his anti-abortion stance and desire to put creationism in schools… And he actually has a chance at party election.
Gays are definitely a threat to our poor hetero marriages here.
Why, if our young men suddenly felt free to express their feminine enviro-loving side, the sale of SUVs, big trucks, and all the gas to fuel them might fall through. Thus collapsing the economy!
We must maintain heteronormative machismo!
Lorena
February 27, 2011 at 2:54 pm
YEAH! I hear you, completely. It’s a totally different world over there. I know. My husband has relatives there, on the Canadian Bible belt. And, let’s not forget, he is from there.
Those folks take puritanism to the next level.
And I live in BC, the California of Canada. That’s exactly why I don’t want to live anywhere else. Well, Paris, maybe?
grasshopper
February 27, 2011 at 8:26 am
My diabolical plan is coming to fruition. *sinister chuckle*
PhillyChief
February 27, 2011 at 9:09 am
I love that last bit. Since you mentioned The Daily Show, when Jon Stewart reported this he did tell the gays it was time to attack.
The angle I keep hearing in opposition is the ol’ “with so many problems, THIS is what Obama is focusing on?” As if the administration can only do one thing at a time. Admittedly, those saying such things struggle managing just one thought at a time (provided it’s not too big), so perhaps their question is sincere, but then not defending something isn’t actually doing anything, is it? Defending something takes time and effort, so actually, Obama is focusing more efforts on the economy by pulling efforts away from defending marriage from the gay hordes. Hurray!
I just think the opposition is all because there’s no way a straight couple can have a wedding on par with a gay or lesbian wedding. No woman can mach the eleganza extravaganza of a gay wedding, and you know no guy could be as happy as a lesbian couple celebrating over beer and wings, swapping gifts of power tools while watching football on a big screen with a halftime show of hot female pole dancers. It brings a tear to my eye just thinking of it.
the chaplain
February 27, 2011 at 10:38 am
ignardsmarnuff:
Ignorance abounds, and everyone suffers because of it.
Lorena:
Hmm – hubby was away, no women available … in desperate times, you could consider “mechanical measures.” Just remember to keep the batteries charged.
prairienymph:
You’ve got a good point about the macho industries taking a hit. On the other hand, the floral, culinary, arts and wedding industries could boom (see PhillyChief’s comment for more).
grasshopper:
Ah – you and astasia have a tag team event going. Good on ya.
PhillyChief:
The “so many problems” line is a double-edged sword – an obvious response is, “with so many people’s jobs on the line, abortion is what conservatives focus on.”
I hadn’t considered the gay wedding angle. I must admit, my wedding was downright drab compared to the events you described. I should think florists, photographers, musicians, caterers, etc., would be campaigning hard for gay marriage. They could all be millionaires within five years.
Spanish Inquisitor
February 27, 2011 at 12:48 pm
Well, now that they have a gay social events secretary in the White House, the parties there are going to be to die for.
the chaplain
March 4, 2011 at 5:34 pm
I wonder how I can secure an invitation to the White House? Any suggestions?
desertscope
February 28, 2011 at 12:24 am
Now that I have been alerted to expect the lesbian hordes to come seeking my wife, I have taken appropriate precautions. I have installed a camcorder with motion detection.
John Evo
February 28, 2011 at 1:13 am
I would pay to see the results of your investigation.
PhillyChief
February 28, 2011 at 7:27 am
Indeed. Perhaps you could post the findings online. I suggest h264 compression, and at least 1280×720, you know, in the name of education and all.
Tommykey
February 28, 2011 at 7:08 pm
Sometimes I really get the feeling that some of these homophobes fear that the United States will turn into the Blue Oyster bar writ large.
the chaplain
February 28, 2011 at 8:24 pm
des,Evo & PhillyChief:
You guys are incorrigible.
Tommykey:
I often think their real problem is that they have great difficulty resisting temptation.
prairienymph
March 4, 2011 at 2:35 pm
Good point about resisting temptation.
If they* can’t leave other women alone while married to one, how could they leave other guys alone if not socially castigated for it?
What would happen to their guys weekends? (That is a rhetorical question
*’they’ referring to the serial polygynists and cheaters mentioned by Sarge,