Lost Chronicles

I spent some time this past week exploring pictographs that Algonquins (sometimes spelled Algonkins) painted on cliffs across Ontario several hundred years ago (the ones I saw were in Lake Mazinaw). The only way to get a good look at this set of pictographs is to take a boat over to the cliffs, pull up close, and look for them about three feet above the waterline. I can’t tell you what these paintings mean. Our tour guide told us some legends, but, I have no idea whether she knew what she was talking about, was just passing along received traditions, or was simply telling exciting stories. It didn’t really matter; viewing these paintings and having a (very) small connection with a culture several hundred years distant from mine was a worthwhile experience.

While I was admiring Algonquin artwork, someone else discovered a long lost bit of scripture that even Bart Ehrman hasn’t seen yet. That’s right! We have a world exclusive scoop right here at The Chapel. So, without any further ado, I proudly present to you a newly discovered, recently translated passage from The Chronicles of Eve, Part Two (chapter 3, verses 12-21):

12 And it came to pass that, one summer evening as Adam and I strolled hand-in-hand through the Garden, THE LORD came by to have a chat and some lemonade.
13 After I poured the lemonade and everyone was comfortably seated, THE LORD said, “My children, I have two gifts for you. Adam, I’ll let you choose which one you want, and Eve shall have the other.”
14 And Adam, always impatient, said, “What are the gifts, my LORD?”
15 THE LORD answered, “The first gift is the ability to pee standing up.”
16 And Adam immediately shouted, “Oooohhhhhh! Yes! I want that one! I want that one!”
17 THE LORD looked sternly at Adam and said, “Are you sure, my son? I haven’t yet told you what the second gift is.”
18 And Adam answered, “I don’t care! I’m sure it won’t be any better than this one. I want to pee standing up. I want to, I want to, I want to!”
19 And THE LORD answered, “Very well, my son. From this day forward, you shall pee standing up.”
20 Then I looked at THE LORD and said, “Adam got a good gift, as usual, and I’ll be getting his leftovers again. Anyway, what gift do you have for me, LORD?”
21 And verily, THE LORD grinned slyly at me and answered,

“Multiple orgasms.”

– the chaplain

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